Tuesday, November 28, 2017

Idealism and Motherhood

I recently read this amazing book as seen below. 

I don't think there has ever been a book I have highlighted so much. I didn't know I was such an idealist until I read this book nor did I know how to deal with my idealistic tendencies. 

Idealist defined by good ol' M-Web  (and quoted in the book page 16) 

"A person guided by principles or hopes rather than by practicality. Someone who looks on the more favorable side of life and events, expecting the best outcome. Someone who envisions an ideal world rather than reality."

When I first read this I was a little put off. I felt like, "No! That isn't me. I am practical. I am not just living in a Disney version of life." But as I kept reading the book and read about the gap between expectation and reality, I was sold. I have A LOT of expectations. I don't want to. I try not to. I make gratitude lists regularly. For the past 2 months I have been saying 5 things I am grateful for everyday. I try to ground myself in gratefulness for what I have rather than in hopeful expectations that are not very realistic. 

Lets take Halloween for example. 

Here is my expectation to the right. 

This picture perfect family... literally, I just googled these people, I don't know them. Matching costumes, perfectly fit, and adorable kid. What the heck- How are they so perfect looking? I made the picture small so that I wouldn't look at it too long and get envious. I am sure they are a very lovely family....or maybe they are paid models. I think I'll go with that one. They are paid models in my mind now. 

But as my toddler screamed and cried when I shoved his costume on him, I soon realized getting this perfect picture was not going to happen the way I envisioned it. 

Another example. 

Many people told me that being a mom is a great way to meet new people and make great new friendships. So naturally my idealist self thinks ANY mom who has a kid around the same age as mine will become my BFF. We will have playdates weekly, we will swap toys, swap food recipes, and we will enjoy our kids bedtime over a glass of wine and a cheesy Bollywood movie. These are REAL thoughts I have!  This googled picture also summarized my thoughts well.

But as I have found, it's a lot harder to build mom-friends for a variety of reasons. 

Another example. 

When we moved into our most recent rental I was praying and really was SURE that our neighbors would be sweet nice couple who would fall in love with our son and us and want to babysit all the time and cook us banana bread. 

But, alas, my neighbors glared at me for a while and made it clear that all they want out of a relationship is for me to stay out of the way. (I made them some banana bread so now I get a nice smile sometimes) 

I could literally go on an on with examples. I have DAILY examples. 

Being a new mom (I don't know when I'll no longer be a new mom - because every stage is new- I think I always will be one which is fine by me- makes me feel like I can get more grace and compassion)
....so yes being a new mom, I have had SO many expectations and MANY are unmet and MOST were unrealistic. 

This isn't to say that my whole time being a mom has been one big disappointment, it has been AMAZING and I love it SO much but I also have wounded myself with my unrealistic expectations. 

Here is a list of several of MY expectations I have had in relation to motherhood- maybe you can relate? 

-WHEN I was going to have a baby. For me it was 2 years earlier than I expected and so this unexpected surprise took a while for me to get used to and surrender to
-How my birth was going to go 
-When baby would actually come vs when he really came (due dates are struggling- cheers to the mommas who had to endure to 40+ weeks of pregnancy)
-How the first couple days would go with baby 
-How I would feel (physically, emotionally, mentally, spiritually) after baby came
-The temperament of my child
-How "easy" my baby would be
-How breastfeeding and pumping would go
-How my husband going back to work would be 
-How me going back to work would be
-How my relationship with God would be after baby came
-How my relationship with my husband would be after baby
-How my relationship with my family and friends would be after baby
-How quickly I would lose the baby weight (cheers to those mommas who it took a long time. shhh to the mommas who didn't do anything and it just shed off you) 

These things were not all negative, many of them were positives but ALL of them were DIFFERENT than what I expected. 

"Well Elaina, just stop having so many expectations. Don't expect anything." 

Okay. Tried that... and guess what? It didn't go as expected.

That's like telling me to stop breathing. It's not natural for me. 

But you know what is natural for me? (this is taken from page 128-129 of the book describing strengths of an idealist)
I am enthusiastic about the future possibilities.  I strive for self-renewal and personal growth. I strive to become the best possible self I can be and deeply desire to help others grow too. I have an active imagination and think of new cool ideas all the time. I love being visionary and I really do want to change the world! I am eager to tell others about new discoveries I have made and get great energy from doing so. 

So although being an Idealist can bring lots of disappointment and "wounds" from unmet, unrealistic expectations, it also has some amazing strengths. 

The end of the book talks about being a faithful realist: "people able to see reality through a God-lens. Men and women of courage determined to advance despite the facts, bold dreamers grounded in God's will." (pg 111)

I want to be THAT more than I want to be the earlier definition of an idealist. 

The book gave me some great spiritual practicals that I have been implementing since but I won't spoil it for you or for the authors of the book. Go read it for yourself, or for a friend or for a child. Then, after you read it we can live happily ever after...oh wait, that wasn't the point of the book? Just kidding. 

"Jesus changed the world for all eternity. He was a visionary leader and a brave preacher. He faced stiff opposition and constant criticism. He was able to see the reality of the sinful world around him yet was not discouraged by it. He was compassionate but not naive. Bold and unashamed. But above all, he was humble. The true faithful realist." (pg 124) 

Thursday, April 27, 2017

A Year of Lessons

I did it! 
I kept this baby alive for a whole year and I am still here! 
What. A. Year. 
I wouldn't say it went fast as it felt like the longest year of my life but it also is amazing to think how much has changed, how much he has grown. From this screaming, puffy, football shaped head newborn who couldn't hold up his head or do anything but eat, sleep, poop, and cry*. (People really need to add that one in). 
After 28 hours in labor with 4 hours of pushing I got to meet my son. 

Looking back at this picture, it is precious but man he was alien looking! And his head! The hat is covering it but his head was super cone head. It is a miracle he has such a cute head.....I was nervous. 

But oh did he smell good.
He smelled like fresh baked cookies, and love, and softness. 

When he was born I just was so relieved I was done. 

My husband?
He took this picture of himself. 
He couldn't stop crying. Probably because he was awake for 2 straight days listening to Enya. 

(side note: if you make a relaxation mix for labor you might want to make it several hours long and make sure your labor buddy likes it- poor James had to listen to the same songs 100 times) 

Now I think about all the things that happened this past year. 
-the struggles to get him to sleep on anything that wasn't us. 
-car rides to get him to sleep
-car rides that he hated for several month
-swaddling becoming a contact sport
-breastfeeding being so much more challenging than I thought.
-the first time I said "Hi" to him when he was handed to me and he stopped crying to listen. 
-the first time he smiled and it wasn't gas
-the first time he giggled and I died of cuteness
-the first time he rolled over 
-the first time he sat up on his own...in his crib at 4am and I woke James up to tell him to look....he wasn't as excited as I was
-the first steps and the joy I felt in my heart
-the first time he ate solid food and most of it did not make it to his mouth
-the first time he said "dada" and "mama" 

So much has happened this year. It is hard to believe that it has just been one year. 
I have learned many things this year. Here are some favorites...


1. Psalm 127:3 
"Children are a heritage from the Lord, offspring a reward from him."
Its true! I feel so blessed to have such an amazing gift from God! 

2. Enjoy the moments
Yes and no do they go by fast. Yes its temporary. No it doesn't feel that way. But try to enjoy the moments; if its enjoying extra snuggle time when your baby won't sleep on anything but you, or being grateful your child's lungs are working well as he/she is wailing away- there is something we can strive to enjoy. 

3. Hebrews 4:12 
 "For the word of God is alive and active..."
Yes its an old book, the bible, but its still relevant and it has THE best parenting advice out there. This gives me so much hope as there are so many conflicting opinions and studies out there of what is safe and good for your baby. One day something is "safe", the next day it isn't. But I can be confident in the bible to give me the best advice for raising my child. 

4. Don't compare!
Babies are all different. I really really learned that this year. Its not helpful to compare my son to others. I have struggled with this one as my son was not the easiest of babies. It helped to tell my son things I loved about him rather than in my head or out loud say things I wish were different. So what my son doesn't sleep anywhere but his crib or the car, he is curious, smart and silly.... oh and he is ridiculously good looking. 

5. "Sometimes" 

This has been my favorite word recently. I struggle(d) with the no-schedule, complete sense of lack of control when it came to an infant. But when I think/say sometimes it really helped me to surrender to things going differently. Sometimes he wakes up at 6am, sometimes 5am and sometimes 7am. Sometimes he sleeps through the night. Sometimes he is really fussy. Sometimes he is super giggly and smiley. Sometimes he likes to cuddle. Sometimes he prefers to play independently. It helps me remember my baby is not a robot. 

Although we did dress him up as one. 



This Year has been amazing. I am so incredibly grateful to be a mom. It has brought so much fullness to my life, so much laughter, tears, and joy. I have learned a lot and I am grateful for all these lesson. 

Stay tuned for my journeys with a 1 year old! 😁

Tuesday, January 10, 2017

New Year



I love New Years. 

It seems like there is more hope in people as they decide how they want this New Year to be. There is hope for change, hope to be different, hope to be better. I love to hear peoples New Years resolutions they are made with with hope. 

I struggle to make resolutions at times. I have made many some years that were impossible to keep and other years I didn't make any and entered the year with hope of change yet no real vision or goals of how to change it. 

Being a new mom has shown me some parts of myself that I don't particularly like. Its also shown me some parts of myself that I didn't know were there that I love. 

One of my resolutions is to read the entire Old Testament of the Bible this year. While I read it I am focusing on how God is redeeming us and how he rescues, protects and cares for people. When I see a passage that highlights that I underline it. I have lots of underlines already! 

I wanted to share some of my thoughts from my personal bible study the other day that has helped me to identify what I hope to change in this year....

I am at the end of Genesis and its the story of Joseph, who is one of my favs. I am always impacted by how he suffered so well. All the injustice done to him yet he remained faithful to God. I feel ashamed of how quickly I can blame God and shake my fist at him when something so small like my son not sleeping well (according to my standard) sets me off. 
It reminded me of a passage I read early this month in Job

"Beware of turning to evil which you seem to prefer in affliction."- Job 36:12

WOW! How true is this of myself and many of us. When affliction, suffering, hard times come its so easy to turn to evil. 

I have heard the phrase "Hurting people hurt people." I think it represents this passage well. I would probably also say that "Tired people hurt people", and "Hungry people hurt people (aka hangry)", and "Disappointed people hurt people"....


I have not responded well in my "suffering" or "affliction" at many times. Its embarrassing. I look at others who are going through some real tough situations with their babies being sick in the hospital or loss of a loved one or another tragedy and I feel so guilty and so immature because of my reaction to my "suffering". 



It doesn't seem to help me change though. I see that others have it worse off. It does give me a reality check to be grateful and that does help start my change but its also helpful for me to admit and be real with myself and others that BEING A MOM IS HARD and there is suffering and affliction involved even when your baby is completely healthy and so are you. 

I also meditated on


"This is love: not that we loved God, but that he loved us and sent his Son as an atoning sacrifice for our sins."- 1 John 4"10

Love is sacrifice. 

I love my son SO much. 
I sacrifice for my son SO much. 



This year I want to suffer well. How? 
I look at my examples of Joseph, Job, and Jesus- they feared God, got humble, and they entrusted themselves to God. 

"When they hurled their insults at him (Jesus), he did not retaliate; when he suffered, he made no threats. Instead, he entrusted himself to him who judges justly."- 1 Peter 2:23 

For me that looks like when baby doesn't sleep the way I want him to, when I don't get my "me time", when things don't go the way I planned, when I don't get that nap or food I wanted, when losing the baby weight is harder that I thought it would be, when I can't do what I want when I want, when life is just HARDer now that I have a baby. (Sometimes I question who is more the baby me or my 8 month old as we both cry over things getting taken away from us and food not being ready when we want it to be....Its okay you can laugh at that)
I won't throw a fit, pity party, my fists up to God or my husband. I won't in my frustration blame God or others for things not going my way. 
INSTEAD I will entrust myself to God, the just judge, the righteous, most wise, sovereign King who loves and cares for me. 

I hope that I can make some changes this year. I want to grow and mature in this ugly area thats been exposed in my life. I am grateful for the many examples both biblical and in my life now of people who have and are suffering well. You inspire me and are helping me to grow. Thank you.